Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Dead string

Just got an email that the cancer is back in my friend's brain. Besides being paralyzed from the last brain chemo, all the stem cells they harvested will sit forever in the freezer because now there will be no transplant. Hospice care looms on the horizon.

He worked hard all his life, made himself a tuna sandwich every day for lunch so he'd not waste his money. Yet when it came to others he was more than generous. I speak from experience because he was once my boyfriend. We weren't so good at that relationship; we made better friends. After I joined the community he'd come for Vespers and dinner on Sunday night occasionally. He liked the thought of me being a nun.

When it came to the church he gave his time, his money, his heart. And he had a big heart. He was looking forward to retirement so he could attend the Eucharist every day. My ways are not your ways, says the Lord. Lord, you can say that again. I was feeling the after-Easter let down all day today... snapping at my sisters, feeling blaaah in general.

Now I feel nothing. Nothing as in empty. (As in about to throw up.) As in totally bummed. No tears... just a hole in my gut the size of a basketball. Dread sting... dead string... dread sting... dead string

7 comments:

Pilot Mom said...

{{{Hugs}}} CJ. I'm so sorry to hear this kind of news. I will begin immediately to pray for you and your friend.

kpjara said...

Prayers, Prayers, Prayers...of peace, acceptance, and above all else love!

I HATE cancer!

Sr. Lilli Ana said...

sigh

I thought that was what you were referring to this morning. My heart aches for you and D.

I'll be here when the tears do come.

suzt said...

I'm so very very sorry for your grief. (((CJ)))

Lisa said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you in spirit. When you feel unable to pray, think, or do anything, just let others do it for you.

Peace.

HeyJules said...

Oh CJ! I'm so very sorry. I, too, will add you both to my prayers.

My younger brother is a brain cancer survivor and this story struck total fear in my heart. There but for the grace of God go I...

Claire Joy said...

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your prayers and hugs. I spent about four hours with him this afternoon... brought him the Eucharist, fed him yogurt, washed his face and arms, held his hand, hassled the nurse for better pain medication... Grace was with me because of you.