Shrove Tuesday

Perhaps it is the pre-Lent funk... I hope it is the pre-Lent funk.

I am irritable. Some sisters are overworked, and as a result, their responsibilities have fallen through the cracks. I am supposed to be compassionate about that. I'm not especially. I am back to making my own to-do lists... as if it will compensate for my lack of compassion. (If I can't be compassionate, I can at least be responsible... what a Pharisee I am.)

I am also sick of picking up the slack. So this morning when the doorbell rang, I ignored it. (Let someone else get it, damn it...) This will just not do. I've been thinking a lot about what Lent will look like for me this year.

I had it in my mind at one point to give asceticism a healthy try. Don't knock it if you haven't tried it sort of thing. I considered giving up not only the required chocolate and ice cream our community's culture imposes, but also alcohol, non-dairy flavored creamer, butter, soft drinks and anything sweet or of the fast food variety... potato chips, pop corn, Taco Bell. I have no doubt that underlying this holy discipline lie some pretty unholy motivations: losing weight, for one.

Giving up sweets motivated by the desire to lose weight doesn't count. I'm not overweight. I'm just not slim anymore. I want to look better, not treat my body as a temple of God. My guess is that nobody's intensions are totally pure. Knowing that mine aren't is a bitch.

So... I've been rethinking the whole Lenten journey. (I was already rethinking it before today, but Shrove Tuesday especially requires a decision.) Tomorrow it starts. I need a plan. More importantly, I need a change of attitude. It's the area of relationships that I need to work on, not denying myself a bunch of foods that aren't especially good for me anyway. To work hard at seeing the face of Christ in every person that ticks me off... now that would be a worthwhile endeavor. The nice thing about living in community, is that my sisters will support me through the process... I won't be doing it alone.