Rudolph

Sometimes I worry about being an alcoholic. My mother was, her sister and husband both were, apparently my dad drank heavily before he left my mom... I have the genes and the environmental history. And I like to drink. I like the "buzz" I get from a couple of glasses of wine. I'm a lightweight when it comes to alcohol; anything over two and I'm tipsy.

The urban dictionary defines tipsy as: The state when you are drinking alchohol in which you are past light headedness but before being drunk. or... Tipsy is when you're buzzin from alcohol, but you're not hammered yet. That's good... not being hammered is a good thing.

I equate tipsy with lightheadedness, in all its manifestations... physical effects: the easy, dizzy, sort of walking-on-air feeling, where I'm aware of everything around me but in a pleasant hazy way. Psychological effects: an increased ability to do those things I normally find difficult. (ie: I had wine once before a bell choir practice and played better than I ever had. I was so relaxed that I was not intimidated by the music, and my inhibitions made way for whatever natural talent I had.) It's easier for me to talk to strangers at parties, easier to sing in front of a group.

My mother used to point to people with red noses, and say "That man's a boozer." I asked her how she knew, and she said it had something to do with the capillaries bursting in your nose when you drank a lot. It's ironic that she drank (a lot) but never exhibited the red-nose syndrome. I have a red nose. When I get teary-eyed, when I'm angry, my nose turns red. I look in the mirror on a morning after I've had wine and sure enough, my nose is red. (I also have a red nose on a morning after I've drunk diet coke, so I'm not sure it's conclusive evidence.)

Am I an alcoholic? Do I drink every day? No. Do I need to drink? No. Do I want to drink when it's been a stressful day? Yes. Do I want to drink when I'm out with friends? Often. So where is the line and how will I know if I'm in danger of crossing it? Do I want to give up drinking to find out? No. (Maybe that was the line.)