A dream is a wish your heart makes...

Jesus formed radically open circles of friends. We erect intricate and inflexible institutional barriers that admit only those whom we deem worthy. Jesus stood up to the religious establishment. We are the religious establishment. — Tom Ehrich

Ouch! And yet... right on!

I've been having what my deacon friend calls "cold feet" dreams. Why I didn't expect to get cold feet (at least a few times before my life profession) is beyond me. I guess I expected to sail straight into the sunset with Jesus... once I had said yes.

Isn't that a laugh? Jesus never sailed into the sunset with anybody, whether he got married during his lifetime or not. If he did, that wife was left at the foot of the cross or the door of the tomb, just like everyone else.

Anyway, in my dream I was being cross-examined by my sisters about my cartoons. Some sisters think they are hilarious, some think they are cute, but at least one thinks they are blasphemous and heretical. In my dream she had rallied several sisters (who had never even seen them) to her point of view, and I was being asked to cease and desist if I wanted a "yes" vote from the community. Uh oh. Deja vu time. Didn't we already go round the bush about this with the blogging theme?

Yet in my dream I spoke up quite forcefully this time. "I'm sorry sisters, but I believe I'm called by God to draw these cartoons and I have no intention of stopping. For you or anyone."

Excuse me? So, as the dream progressed to its logical conclusion, I was not voted in and was given the option of hanging around for another year to try it again. I said "Nope, I'm outta here."

Just like that. All that work, all that prayer, all that discernment. "I'm outta here." When I awoke I was flummoxed. Is that how I really feel subconsciously? What about all that talk of accepting the vow of obedience? Ahhh... will have to look at all this a little more carefully... again.

My friend talked about various interpretations, (skirting the obviously silly one that God might be calling me to draw these somewhat subversive cartoons.) Cold feet. You are both individuals... the one for and the one against, the party line and the troublemaker. But one key component was how quickly I jumped at the chance to be kicked out. Aha! Of course that rings true. That way I don't have to decide. It's not my fault. Whatever happens next... I hate dreams that reveal all my inner flaws, don't you?