Friday, October 20, 2006

Oh get a grip!

My mind is racing a million miles an hour. There is no peace, only a hectic, frenetic chaos of thoughts... What brings this on is beyond me. I try to listen for the still and the small, but everything is large and noisy and demands equal attention.

This too shall pass. I know that. But buzzing is not necessarily unpleasant. It can be a diversion from decision making, from obligations, from responsibility to (and for) my life.

I'm not feeling especially responsible today. I want to goof off, sleep, drink a glass of wine. I've been working hard and although it's not all done, it's winding down, and that's the worst time for me. It's close enough to burnout that I start blowing things off, but I'm not so fried that I can't rally when I have to.

Three deliveries at the church yesterday... lots of groceries. Lift that barge, tote that bale... it occurred to me that I do the same work on Thursdays that my first husband does full time. He's a "Grocery Manager", which he informed me was a glorified title for "stock boy." He's not happy with this job. I thought about that too. I love stocking shelves. I love the whole space management challenge, the attention to detail of rotating what came in last week to the front. I love that this is a service to my colleagues who serve the poor. And I only do it on Thursdays. How would it be doing this kind of manual labor six days a week? (Probably not so joyful.) I volunteer my time; he does it to put food on the table. So, even though we essentially do the same tasks, it's not the same. Yesterday I came home late, so tired I went straight to bed. No supper, no Compline, just hit the pillow. Wonder if it's like that for him?

1 comment:

J.T. said...

Well, here's something we share...the buzz! I get the same way, especially when there are several projects going on at once. And I also find it hard to get centered when that starts happening. Except, for me its never an escape. It's more like feeling I'm about to be swamped by a giant wave. Letting go and giving it up are the hard part.