I feel like I'm behaving like Nunzilla today. I'm not a bride; this isn't my wedding, exactly, but everyone keeps telling me it is supposed to be the important day in my life as a sister. Although the date is exactly four weeks away, the official invitations have not yet been mailed. We are waiting for stamps.I had an appointment to meet with the organist to plan music today, but that couldn't happen. I'm supposed to deliver the contents of the program to the church sometime soon... but the contents have not been decided upon. In this case, my mother is a committee. Committees don't decide anything without a conference call. Scheduling a conference call is next to impossible when those who must conference wear so many hats they barely have time to change them. It is nobody's fault. It simply is.
Knowing that my sisters are already under enough stress, I have been trying to move things along on my own... but that is easily taken as wanting to control everything. The fact that I can be/have been known to be a control freak does nothing to help that stereotype.
Because I am frustrated, I am to the point of saying... "Fine. You figure out what you want me to do, when you want me to do it, and I'll just show up and stand where I'm supposed to, say what I'm supposed to, and we can get this whole thing over with."
Except of course I don't really mean that. I want the ceremony to be lovely, symbolic of more than my giving up out of frustration or disgust. I want it to mean something profound to me and to the people who are attending because they support this choice. At the same time, I must come to grips with the reality of the life I am asking to lead... I will not be in control of much of it; I will be expected to submit obediently to a lot of things I don't especially like or disagree with. I'll have less leverage as a professed sister than I have now. The simple irony of that makes me smile.
Maybe I just need to lower my expectations.
3 comments:
I've often thought that life would be much more pleasant if we could learn to live without expectations. My goal is to be able to accept what life offers and find that it is sufficient. I have a feeling that I'll always have something to work towards.
I'm guessing that the next few weeks won't be easy for you. But, I'm also guessing that it'll all work out. Of course, that's easy for me to say - it's you that's dealing with it.
You're in my prayers...
This is the life you say you are electing to embrace: "I will not be in control of much of it; I will be expected to submit obediently to a lot of things I don't especially like or disagree with. I'll have less leverage as a professed sister than I have now."
I suspect you are coming to grips with the very real loss of freedom and individuality.
You well know if it does not work out it is no failure to say enough and change your path of travel. Sometimes the journey is more interesting than the destination.
There's nothing wrong with doubt. Ultimately it is you that has to be pleased with what you do.
I think of the company slogan joke: "We're not happy until you're not happy!"
It does not have to be that way. Be sure...
I don't think you should lower your expectations; I think you should just lower your stress level. ;-)
I'm SURE it will be a beautiful ceremony and all you would want it to be but the "getting there" may do you in - just as it does any bride. Take a deep breath. Remember why you're doing this. Remember who should get the glory. And then move forward one step at a time.
Or come hide out at my house. :-)
Post a Comment